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OLITICAL OAM I 

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4 



A 

NON-PARTISAN POLITICAL SATIRE. 


BY 

“VOX.” 



“ Oh, for the swords of former time 1 
Oh, for the men who bore them; 

When, arm’d for right, they stood, sublime, 
And tyrants crouch’d before them! ” 


“Who is here so vile that wiU not love his country? 
If any, speak ; for him hav^ I offended.’’ 


^9 i- a IV 


a^ I 

(Xlj'tAJr ]/l - ay 



ALBANY, N. Y. 


187G. 



y 




Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1876, 

In the office of the Libreirian of Congress, at Washington. 


lAll rights reserved.] 






DEDICATION 


TO THE 

WORKING MAN; 

TO HIM WHO, BY HONEST SWEAT, EATS HONEST BREAD; 

TO THE HARD-HANDED TOILER IN THE GREAT HIVE OF NATIONAL INDUSTRY. 
THE BONE AND SINEW OF HIS COUNTRY; 

THE GLORY AND THE BOAST OP ALL CIVILIZED NATIONS ;; 

THE ARBITER OP PATE — THE TRUSTEE OF AN EXPRESS TRUST;- 
THE FOE OF CORRUPTION — THE FRIEND OP VIRTUE; 

THE GUARDIAN OF LIBERTY; 

TO HIM WHO HOLDS IN HIS UNFETTERED HAND THAT WHICH IS MIGHTIER 

THAN A king’s SCEPTRE, 

THE BALLOT, 

liille is ^cspcrtfuKg 

BY 


THE AUTHOR 



\ 


“CUE HEEOES.” 


They were faithful, steadfast, loyal, 

To their country’s sacred trust; 

British gold, and bay’nets royal. 

Valued they no more than dust! 

» 

Faithful, through the roar of battle; 

Steadfast, in the hour of peace; 

Loyal, till Death’s warning rattle 
Spake each spirit’s glad release! 

Lost to life, but linked to glory; 

Time, nor change, shall mar their fame 
Lives in song each oft-told story; 

Lives in brass each well-known name ! 

Rest! Best in peace, ye martyr'd dead! 

In marble tomb, or mossy grave; 

And reck not of the sordid brood 
Wlio rob the land ye died to save! 

Hide, Liberty, thy pallid face; 

Columbia, veil thy burning brow ; 

The halls those patriots did pace 
Are trod by knaves and hucksters now! 

Why 1 why should Freedom’s sacred sod 
Give root to such a recreant race ? 

Up! Up! For Liberty and God! 

And hurl each ruffian from his place! 






The Guardian of 


Liberty 


“There ts a pvearoa/ surer yet," 

A HD STRONGER THAH THE BArOHEr,‘* 

A WEAPON THAT COMES DOWN AS STfLL*' 
As SHOW FLAKES FALL UPOH THE SOd!* 

And executes a freeman's will** 

"As LIGHTNING does THE W/IL OF GOD !* 

















































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GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN; 


A NON-PARTISAN 


POLITICAL SATIEE. 


CHAPTEK I. 

His Infancy. 

“ Into this world we come like ships, 

“ Launched from the docks, and stocks, and slips, 

“ For fortune fair or fatal,” 

t E was not an extraordinary infant, nor 
d any extraordinary event, nor porten- 
ns sign, herald his advent. He was not 
en a seven months’ child; nor was he 
marked with mole or strawberry. He 
came into the world in the usual manner—cried, 
nursed, slept, as do other children, and was in no 
wise remarkable. One thing, however, about his 
arrival, might be noted, though certainly not with¬ 
out precedent in the neighborhood, which was that 
the identity of his paternal relative, was never fully 
established to the satisfaction of the neighbors. 




6 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


Even his mother — the widow Brown — when 
closely questioned upon this subject, confessed to 
being slightly at a loss. She said, that having 
buried her husband some three years previously, 
she could not “ conceive how it had happened ; 
yet that she had conceived was evident; was it 
not, therefore, a clear case of unconscious concep¬ 
tion, For want, then, of a better surname, our 
hero was dubbed “Brown;” and the widow, 
probably regarding him as a special “ Godsend ” to 
the country, christened him George Washington. 

The maternal mansion was situated “ up three 
flights, back,” in the classic region of Baxter 
street, New York, and the maternal Brown im¬ 
proved each shining hour and the family flnances, 
by restoring gentlemen’s soiled linen to its pristine 
purity, for a pecuniary consideration. 

Master Brown passed through all the trials and 
.troubles incident to babyhood; had the mumps, 
measles, and chickenpock with charming regu¬ 
larity ; made mud pies in the gutter, and carried 
;his mother’s daily grog from the corner gin-mill, 
until he was eight years of age. About this time 
an event happened which materially changed his 
prospects in life, and this event was none other 
than the decease, intestate, of the maternal Brown. 

She died suddenly, from an overdose of gin and 
water inadvertently taken ; and George Washing¬ 
ton Brown aforesaid, being the only living repre¬ 
sentative of the defunct matron, was adjudged the 
sole heir-at-law of her estate, both real and per* 



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HIS INFANCY. 


7 


sonal; the latter consisting of a wash tub, two 
sad-irons, and a straw tick; while the former was 
represented by a stunted rose bush in a broken 
pitcher. 

Having soon squandered his inheritance in riot¬ 
ous living. Master Brown, thrown upon his own 
resources, determined upon reform, and with this 
view turned his attention to the dissemination of 
information among the masses, at three cents per 
copy. By patient industry and self-denying econ¬ 
omy, he soon succeeded in retrieving his shattered 
fortunes, and became the proprietor of a ^^French 
'polishing emjpo'rin'm ” which, for convenience, he 
carried under his arm. It is needless to say that 
in his profession he proved himself a shining 
light; but, alas! prosperity is often harder to bear 
than adversity, and in an evil hour the “ demon 
of gambling took possession of his soul. At 
first, he was singularly successful in- his ventures, 
and a very large proportion of the earnings of the 
whole fraternity of which he was a member, fiowed 
in a steady stream into his pockets. Such is the 
manner in which this modem “ Circe ” ever de¬ 
ludes her victims. Reverses came, the tide set 
outwards, bankruptcy impended, and one day, our 
hero, driven by necessity, having unluckily bor¬ 
rowed a small sum of money from a sleeping man, 
without first taking the precaution to awaken 
him, the authorities were so charmed with his 
precocity, and so fully appreciated his inherent 
ability,’ that they invited hun to spend a season at 


8 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


their select boarding school upon “KandalPs Isl¬ 
and.” r;:-‘. 

At this delightful summer resort, our hgiro learned 
to read, write, and play draw-poker; thfpq, almost 
indispensable accomplishments to a public man; 
particularly the latter, as the two former miky. be 
dispensed with, in fact have been wholly unknown 
to several very renowned politicians,' leaders of 
their respective parties. While at this school' he 
also made such good progress in “ the noble art of 
self-defense,” as to earn from his admiring com¬ 
panions the sobriquet of “ Bully Brown; ” and 
under this title the records show him to have been 
subsequently employed by the government in fre¬ 
quent expeditions to Sing Sing, and so ably did he 
always transact the business entrusted to him, that 
for several years he was very seldom out of a gov¬ 
ernment job. At last he rather unwillingly took 
a ten years’ government contract 'to. pianufacture 
shoes for the army, and removed to i^bany. 


FORCED LOAN 










































































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CHAPTEK 11. 


Hi8 Ambition is Awakened, and He enters 
Public Life. 

“ There is a tide in the affairs of men, 

“ Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune 

f T the State capital our hero was asso¬ 
ciated with several once noted politici¬ 
ans'^^ now also in the ^^shoe business ,and 
his ambition being fired by their com¬ 
panionship, (though he was surprised to 
find them singularly reticent when in society), he 
determined to throw up his contract, return to Hew 
York, and enter the political arena. During his stay 
in Albany, however, so much had he endeared him¬ 
self to all with whom he came in contact, that he 
dreaded to make known his determination, lest 
attempts should be made to dissuade him from his 
purpose. He also feared that the government might 
seek to enforce special performance of his contract, 
which was only half completed ; so keeping his own 
counsel, he quietly departed one evening without 
stopping to say good-bye to any one, even to his 
most intimate friends and admirers. 

Having thoroughly disguised himself, he was not 
recognized upon his return to the city; and drop¬ 
ping the nickname by which he had hitherto been 
known, and assuming his rightful title, he procured 
2 


10 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


a license to furnish “ liquid refreshTnents ” to the 
multitude upon the “ European plan; ’’ went into 
business, and shortly afterward announced himself 
upon posters, six feet by three, as follows: 

I^FOUETH WABD. 


ELECTORS TAKE NOTICE! 


Vote for 

GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN! 

T?ie People's Candidate for 
ALDERMAN I 


12^* N. B.— Boys! come and see me! 

Uncertain as to the relative strength of the 
respective political parties, Mr. Brown wisely deter¬ 
mined not to identify himself too closely with 
either^ but by judicious action to conciliate both. 
He was “ all things to all menP To republicans 
he was a republican; and among democrats none 
extolled democracy more highly. He was a uni¬ 
versal favorite, and all united in pronouncing his 
“old Bye” the very best in the market. There 
was virtually no opposition ; our friend was tri¬ 
umphantly elected, and soon afterward took his 
seat, along with a number of other patriots, to con¬ 
sult upon the interests of the city, and by judicious 
action to promote the welfare of its inhabitants. 









































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HIS AMBITION IS AWAKENED, ETC. 


11 


Like true philanthropists, and honest men that 
they were, onr hero and his comrades at once set 
to work to redeem the promises made to their con¬ 
stituents before election, and to provide the labor¬ 
ing classes with remunerative employment. To this 
end they planned numerous public improvements, 
and being all possessed with the same laudable 
determination to benefit the masses, every thing 
worked harmoniously. To insure success in these 
undertakings, the contracts were divided among 
the members of the aldermanic body, and as the 
joint object was not only to benefit the people, 
but also to improve the city, the appropriations 
were fairly liberal. So energetic was our hero in 
the prosecution of this great and good work, and 
so utterly forgetful of his own interests, that he 
actually undertook a large number of the contracts 
himself, and it has even been whispered, (though our 
friend has ever modestly denied the charge), that 
fearing they might fall into imjgroper hands, he 
used influence and spent money from his own pri¬ 
vate resources, to obtain them for himself, and thus 
insure their proper performance. 

From time to time, the estimates made, were 
found to be wholly insufficient, and just so often 
did our hero and his co-laborers, heroically meet, 
and self-sacrificingly vote, further, and larger ap¬ 
propriations, to be paid from the city treasury. 

The work progressed, slowly, to be sure; too 
slowly, some grumblers said; but who can satisfy all ? 
The history of “ The old mam and his assf is in 


12 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


point. Our friend Brown kept right on, and heeded 
not the fanlt-finders. “ The hand of the diligent 
maheth rich^^ and so infinite were the resources of 
our hero, that while conducting public enterprises 
that would have crushed most persons, he yet found 
time to amass a snug little fortune of his own, during 
his first term of office. “ God helps those who 
help themselves^^^ and George Washington Brown 
ever held it a sacred maxim, that while a man’s 
first duty is to his country, his second, and not less 
important duty, is to himself, and to his family ; 
therefore when not employed in helping the public, 
he did not scruple to help himself, and the Ah 
mighty helping him likewise ; he was twice helped 
and prospered accordingly. 

What wonder, then, that such a great, good, and 
public spirited man should be re-elected f 



















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CHAPTER m. 

He Ams Higher and Strikes Within the Ring. 

“ All liail, Macbeth ! hail to thee, thane of Glamis 1 ” 

“ All hail, Macbeth 1 hail to thee, thane of Cawdor! ” 

“ All hail, Macbeth ! that shalt be king hereafter. ” 

HE position of alderman in a great city 
^ is very well in its way, and would satisfy 

some natures, but not that of our hero. 
Macedonia could not contain Alexander; 
France could not contain Hapoleon; nor 
could Hew York city contain George Washington 
Brown. The routine of aldermanic duty afforded 
not sufficient scope for his genius. What is gen¬ 
ius ? It is a drop of dew; at morning, enclosed in 
the tiny chalice of a flower; at noon, permeating 
all space! It is a breath; drawn by an infant, ex¬ 
pelled by a Cicero! It is a speck of ink upon a 
quill point, which shaU startle the world! It is 
the latent Are in a fagot, which shall destroy the 
universe! 

Our hero was cramped; he sighed for room; he 
longed for other, and greater enterprizes; he 
burned to become the chosen representative of a 
great state, of a great nation ; to be the servant, 
nay the slave of the people, so self-sacriflcing was 
this man. 

He ran successively for the offices of treasurer. 



14 


GEOEGE WASHINGTON BEOWN. 


comptroller, mayor, and was elected to each; he 
studied law, was admitted to practice without exam¬ 
ination^ and within six months afterward was 
elected to the Supreme court bench, and there 
rendered judicial decisions with the same grace and 
elegance which had marked his political harangues 
to the voters of the fourth ward, when congregated 
around his bar. True, some insignificant and low- 
minded suitors complained that his judgments 
savoured little of Ioajo^ and less of equity; but here 
again the history of the old man a/nd his ass ” is 
applicable; and ‘^jpeojple will talkP The large 
railroad coi’porations; the steamship companies; 
monopolists of every kind; all favored him ; and he 
was earnestly supported by the ‘'‘free^ indejpendent^ 
and enlightened joress’^ representing “ the party ” 
which had elected him. What more could be 
wished ? True, “ the opposition ’’ press sometimes 
questioned, how, upon a salary of ten thousand dol¬ 
lars per annum, one hundred thousand dollars could 
be invested yearly in real estate, and a handsome 
margin left for other purposes; but this was only an¬ 
other instance of the prying curiosity of some ignor¬ 
ant and narrow-minded people. The character of 
the honorable gentleman was above reproach. 
Between his Honor Judge George Washington 
Brown, in his carriage or opera box, and “ Bully 
Brown,” of the fourth ward, at EandalPs island, or 
Sing Sing, all identity was lost; the one was a 
mere gruh ; the other a gorgeous hutterjiy. 

Offices and honors heaped themselves, as it were, 





























































































































































































































































































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HE AIMS HIGHEE, ETC. 


15 


upon him; he had but to pick and choose. Not 
only city, but State offices were thrust upon him ; 
for was he not the people’s friend and champion ? 
The doors of the wealthy opened to him, and he 
was made an honorary member of all the societies 
He was courted and flattered. Even th\is is virtue 
ever rewarded: then who would not be virtuous f 
If any there be, put him out; he is not worthy 
the name of “ much less the title of “ states^ 

rriamP 

Sent to the State legislature, our friend fully 
maintained his previous reputation. His speeches 
were reported by eager stenographers, and read by 
more eager constituents. True to his principles, 
but considerate to all, he listened with patience to 
the lobbyists, while they unfolded their schemes; 
but in no instance was he ever known to favor any 
bill, diverting public funds to private uses, unless 
he was flrmly convinced that the welfare of the 
people demanded its passage. The arguments 
used to bring about this state of mind were said 
to be weighty^ and sometimes somewhat peculiar / 
in fact much the same kind of arguments pro¬ 
pounded by wealthy suitors, when the worthy 
gentleman presided upon the bench. The laws 
which he moved, and carried through the first, 
second, and third readings, with scarcely a dissent¬ 
ing voice from his admiring fellows, were marvels 
of erudition, and of self-sacrificing devotion to the 
peoples good. But why speak of them ? Are 
they not all written in the volumes of the Eevised 


16 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


Statutes, and do they not there stand as proud 
monuments of the pat/riotism and humanity of 
this devoted man f 




CHAPTEE lY. 
What is a Eepublic? 


“ Be tliou a spirit of health, or goblin damn’d, 

Bring with thee airs from heaven, or blasts from hell. 

Be thy intents wicked, or charitable. 

Thou com’st in such a questionable shape. 

That I will speak to thee.” 

“ Think not I am what I appear.” 

HAT is a republic ? The answer 
is ready cut and dried, and comes 
pat from a thousand lips at once,— “ It 
is a state where ‘ the people ’ are para- 
^ mount; where ‘ the people ’ rule.’’ Eight, 

with this trifling amendment—‘‘ It is a state where 
politicians are paramount, and parties rule.” 

O, thou poor innocent “ Bnmplcin^'^ who 
thoughtest thou wast exercising the God-given 
and blood-bought privilege, of a free and inde¬ 
pendent citizen, under a republican form of 
government; when, at the recent election, dressed 
in thy Sunday-best, thou attendedst town, and 
voted for John Smith, as county treasurer. Lit¬ 
tle didst thou poor Bumphin^^^ as thou 

proudly droppedst thy ballot in the box, that thou 
wast hut fulfilling the behests of thy masters^ the 
politicians j and that John Smith, and Bill Jones, 
his opponent, were puppets m their hands, 

3 



18 GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 

Here stand the respective candidates, and there is 
no other choice. Yon must either choose between 
them, or lose your vote. Both may be equally 
mcomjpetent^ equally distasteful to yon; but you 
have 'iio remedy. They may be, and very prob¬ 
ably, you well know hy dear experience they are^ 
both rogues^ but where is your redress? They 
were both regularly nominated at the county con¬ 
ventions of their respective parties, by delegates, 
presumably elected at the primaries, but in reality 
appointed,^ by the party magnates who rule those 
fountain heads of political corruption and in¬ 
trigue ; and who, having control of the spring^ take 
good care also to keep control of all streams which 
flow out of it; from the ti/ny rill of a police jus¬ 
ticeship, to the great river of the chief magistracy 
of the nation; allowing no craft, either small or 
great, to venture out upon these reeking political 
slums, unless bearing their credentials; sailing 
under their colors; manned by their seamen; and 
bound to their interests. The politicians run the 
political auction. Here are two magnificent 
animals for sale — cm elephant cmd a tiger — 
which will you have f ” You know well that each 
has already killed a dozen keepers, and has ruined 
every owner in succession; and you tremblingly 
suggest, that you “do not care for either; you 
want a horse to help with your spring ploughing.” 
“ Bah, Greeny! this is not a livery stable; we 
don’t deal in horses ; they are out of date. Come! 









































































































































































































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WHAT IS A REPUBLIC. 


19 


choose quick, or we shall choose for you, and you 
shall foot the hillP 

the 'penny — quick ! ” — “ now choose ; ” 

Heads 1 ” ** We win ” — (or) — “ Tails 1 ” Tou lose” 

So swallowing your chagrin, as best yon can, 
you bid on the elephant, take him home, and soon 
find, that though he wont plough^ he will eat^ and 
in a short time you are bankrupt. 

What is a political party ? 

Some one has defined society to be an ag¬ 
gregation of rogues and fools^ (each individual 
alternating, between the two characters, as cir¬ 
cumstances suggest— rogue to-day, fool to-mor¬ 
row, or mce versa) / together with perhaps a very 
slight percentage of honest wise men^ who, how¬ 
ever, very ra/rely come to the surface, and in 
consequence are but little known, being ‘ deep sea 
pearls^ ” 

Assuming this definition of “society” to be 
about right, we now graft upon it the follow¬ 
ing:— An ordina/ry political party is a gigantic 
“ close corporation ” or “ ring ” with cm average 
proportion of say a hundred “ knaves ” to a mil¬ 
lion “ noodlesP There is always, of course, also a 
slight difiused spattering of really reliable^ capable 
men, but as they very rarely come to the fronts but 
generally submit tamely, in common with the “ noo¬ 
dle ” majority^ to the rule of the “ knave ” minority^ 
they may as well be counted in with the former. 
The average “ party campaigner,” (or “ BaMer ”), is 
the mouthpiece of the party trumpet. His duty is 


20 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


to bamboozle and amuse tbe^ar^y “ noodlea'^''; to 
make converts, if possible, from the ojpj^osition 
“ noodles^'^ and with sound and fury to drown the 
noise of the drill, with which his comrades are mean¬ 
while endeavoring to break open the public treas¬ 
ury. If the rules of heraldry were followed, his 
typical emblem would be, “ The Devil ram/pant, 
shaming a squealing pig, couchant^'^ and his motto : 

More noise than woolP 

When will the “ noodles ” learn to realize the 
fact that party signifies neither more nor less, 
than, “ the madness of many for the gain of a 
fewf^^ 



“CREST OF THE POLITICAL RANTER? 
“MORE NOISE THAN WOOL? 



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CHAPTER y. 

He Tries again, and Touches the Inner Circle. 

“ Glamis thou art,” and Cawdor; and shalt be 
“ What thou art promised! ” 

AYIHG served his ward, his city, 
and his country, in the able manner 
scribed, what more natural, than that 
r hero should seek to serve the State 
large ? Why should a mighty river 
capable of watering a continent^ be used to ir¬ 
rigate only a single farm? Why should the 
glorious sun be monopolized by a few, when his 
effulgent beams are meant for all? Reasoning 
thus, our friend determined to offer himseK as a 
candidate for election as Governor; the welfare 
of the people demanded the sacrifice, and “ salus 
populi siiprema lex,^^ 

Under such circumstances, who will deny that 
our hero was justified in using all reasonable 
means to secure his end. 

Hapoleon usually addressed his soldiers as Mes 
enfantsf and always treated them as the merest 
children, George Washington Brown regarded 
the masses in much the same way. How, the man¬ 
agement of children is a task at once pleasing, diffi¬ 
cult, and peculiar. To be successful, is 





22 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


necessary, and also, above all things, tact, A cer¬ 
tain amount of pardonable deceit is also sometimes 
indispensable. For example, — when little “ Tot ’’ 
inquires where the baby came from, she is in¬ 
formed that the doctor brought it in his pocket; 
and when W illie asks his father the meaning of 
certain scriptural passages, he receives an answer 
about as trustworthy. Is this not right ? Then 
who will blame our hero, if while professing the 
utmost candor to “ the free and independent voters 
of the State,” he was not always quite ccmdid ? 

The first thing in order was a nomination. The 
maxim “ A good start is half the race,” will apply 
equally well to the running of candidates for office, 
as to the running of horses. Our hero proceeded 
to select the party which appeared most likely to 
elect their man, and at once put himself in corre¬ 
spondence with the “ magnatesr The first requis¬ 
ite in cases of this kind is “ money down^'^ and our 
friend lost no time in planhing ” the required 
amount; at the same time binding himself to fur¬ 
nish certain further sums as required. In return, 
he was insured “ the nomination ” and the support 
of “ the qya/rtyP Next in order' were ^‘jprima- 
riesP These were at once held; and delegates 
previously designated hy the magnates and whose 
credentials were already signed^ were declared 
“ elected ” to- “ the convention.” 

O ! “ Yerdant! ” Little dost thou know of poli¬ 
tics, if thou hast never attended a ‘‘prima/ry; ” 
less, if thou hast never visited a “ convention ! ” 


TRIES AGAIN, AND TOUCHES THE INNER CIRCLE. 23 

Could’st thou but see how the voices and votes of 
the mighty few^ outcount and overrule the voices 
and votes of the feeble many, then would’st thou 
realize, how Horatius and his two companions suc¬ 
cessfully withstood the whole Tuscan army; and 
how “one man shall put a thousand to flight!” 
“ The ticket ” long before determined upon by the 
party magnates, was duly nominated, and the name 
of “George Washington Brown” appeared at the 
head. 

But in the meantime “ the oj^jposition ” had not 
been idle. They also, had held primaries; had 
“ elected ”(.^) delegates; had called a convention ; 
and had nominated a candidate. Another patriot; 
another lomr of his country ; with equal claims to 
the people’s regard; and with an equally long purse ; 
was opposed to our hero. “ When Greek meets 
Greek, then comes the tug of war; ” and when 
Gods engage in battle, what can mortals do, but 
look on and tremble ? 

Political speeches were in order. Our hero, his 
opponent, and their respective friends, “ stumped 
the State,” from end to end, and from comer to 
corner, '^o weapon was too mighty, and none too 
mean, with which to assail the enemy. Their 
respective parties, headed and represented by the 
^^free and independent press upon each side, 
joined in the melee. Heads were broken, hearts 
laid bare, houses unroofed, and confusion reigned 
supreme. Fortunately for our hero, his identity 
with “ Bully Brown of the fourth ward ” had long 


24 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


since been buried in oblivion, and thougli enter- 
prizing reporters of both parties waited upon him 
daily for scraps of his personal history, with which 
to regale the public, he was singularly forgetful of 
all matters pertaining to his early life. To his 
record as an alderman of the city, as mayor, treas¬ 
urer, comptroller, judge of the supreme court, 
member of assembly, and State senator, he repeat¬ 
edly called attention, and challenged comment. 
But as to his earlier history, his mind was some¬ 
what obscured. “ I am a child of the people,” he 
was wont to say, when questioned as to his origin ; 
and when we consider the uncertainty expressed hy 
his mother as to his paternity^ was he not justified 
in this reply ? 

As election day approached, our hero redoubled 
his efforts. His speeches were models of oratory, 
and patriotic enthusiasm, and their effect was mag¬ 
ical, The men shouted and stamped, the women 
melted into tears, or were borne out in hysterics. 
It was a genuine ‘Apolitical revival f and already 
signs of disaffection were visible in “ the opposi- 
tion'^’’ ranks. 

In the “pools^'^ “ GTeorge Washington Brown ” 
sold “ ten to one,” and the “field ” was nowhere, 
being made up only of “ temperance,” “ independ¬ 
ent,” and such like “ trashP “Theparty ” newspa¬ 
pers spoke of nothing but Brown ; his record, his 
speeches, his fame, and fiung sneers at “ the opposi¬ 
tion ” press, which, plainly foreseeing his probable 
return, and wishing to conciliate, already modified 


TEIES AGAm, AND TOUCHES THE ENNEE CIRCLE. 25 

their tone. They did not quite give up the battle, 
but took every occasion to speak praisingly of him, as 
“ one eminently fitted for the position, were he but 
of owr jpa/rtyP ‘‘ Brown ’’ socials ; “ Brown ” 
fairs; “ Brown ” hops; “ Brown ” waltzes; were 
all the rage. The ladies dressed in brown, and 
their poodles were dyed to match their dresses, 
while the men wore brown favors in their button¬ 
holes, and wiped their noses upon brown silk 
handkerchiefs. Brown hair or brown eyes were a 
fortune to the lucky possessor, and a brown mole 
upon the nose, made a lady the envy of her sex. 
The name of Brown was considered more honor¬ 
able than the most ancient heraldic bearings, and 
the fortunate possessor, (no matter what his or her 
position or past history,) had the entree to the very 
best society, and could pick and choose a partner 
for life. Brown swans, and brown black-birds, 
were advertised by all the shows, and a man who 
invented “ brown blacking ” made an independent 
fortune. Brown was the fashion, the style, the 
rage; in fact “ the ihmg; ” and the whole country 
seemed suddenly to have become snuff colored; the 
very trees sympathizing with the prevailing mania. 

“ Vox jyojpuU^ vox DeiP What mom determines, 
the fates decree. George Washington Brown 
was returned as Governor ” of from the 
“ Empire State,” by an overwhelming majority. 

Great was the universal congratulation. The 
news was flashed across the country, from to^vn to 
town, from State to State, upon a thousand wires. 



26 GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 

It was thundered into the ears with cannon, it was 
blazed into the eyes with fire-works, and wafted 
into the nose with smoke. The streets were illum¬ 
inated ; troops marched, bands played, the people 
thronged, and there was general rejoicing. “ The 
party ’’ press exulted in spread eagles and crowing 
cocks, while ^^the opposition'*'^ papers admitted 
that the gentleman elected, was, without doubt, “ a 
pure-minded patriot, though holding some very 
erroneous political viewsP In fact, their tone was 
now decidedly mild and conciliatory rather than 
dejiomt and censorious^ as it had been early in the 
campaign, before the strength and resources of our 
hero had been fully disclosed. This change in tone 
was not lost, however, upon “ the party ” press, 
which openly accused their opponents of seeking to 
secure a portion of the government patronage, and 
reminding them, that, “ To the victors belong the 
spoilsP What sentiment could be more just ? 

As Governor^ our friend proved himseK a model 
of executive ability and irreproachable integrity. 
His signature was never attached to any bill, without 
mature reflection and (a) good consideration. TTir 
veto ” was never exercised unless weighty reasons 
existed therefor. But alas! The same restless desire 
to benefit the people.^ which had placed him in the 
Governor’s chair, still haunted him. He determined 
that not only the people of one State but the Nation 
at la/rge should profit by his exertions. His first term 
as Governor had barely expired, when he was duly 
returned to Congress—a “ United States SenatorT 


CHAPTEE YI. 


He further Distinguishes Himself, and Aims 
FOR THE Bull’s eye. 

“ If it were done, when ’tis done, then ’twere well 
“ It were done quickly.” 

“ I have no spur 

“ To prick the sides of my intent, but only 
“ Vaulting ambition, which o’erleaps itself.” 

'1 

H Congress onr hero still further dis- 
tinguished himseK. His party had a 
majority in both houses, and he was its 
acknowledged leader. His word was law; 
his little finger was heavier than a king’s 
sceptre. He made, and he unmade. He appointed 
to office, and he revoked the appointment. Men 
fawned upon him; feared him, and hated him — 
but obeyed him. Thus do mighty minds rule the 
masses; but woe to the lion-king if he heedlessly 
turn his back, even for an instant, upon his crouch¬ 
ing slaves. 

The party whip, skillfully wielded, will usually 
preserve order, and quell turbulent spirits; but at 
times it has proved wholly inefiectual, and in such 
an emergency, he who holds it had better be girt 
with brass^ and covered with triple steel. 

Fortune still smiled upon our hero, and flung 
her favors at his feet. Wealth rolled into his cof- 




28 GEOEGE WASHES'GTOy BEOWy. 

fers. His fame as a statesman and patriot, of the 
purest and most exalted type, was on everybodVs 
lips. He ate of the fat of the land; drank wines 
of the noblest vintage; and slept on the soft^ 
down. There was bnt one higher mng upon the 
political ladder; and though he already controlled 
the action of the present occupant, he determined 
himself to mount the apex 

Patriotism breeds ambition. Love of country 
frequently begets love of self. An inordinate 
desire to benefit the race, very often takes the 
form of benefit to the individuaL "Why not ? Is 
he not part and parcel of the race \ Inventions, 
which have made men famous as benefactors of 
their kind, have usually paid handsome dividends; 
or, at least, were escpected to do so, by the inven¬ 
tors. 

TTe mean by this, to cast no refiection upcn the 
motives of our worthy friend and hero, George 
Washington Brown; tor was not his record befc«re 
the world, and was he not prochmned by the pop¬ 
ular voice to be a pxtre and disinte^res^ed j\Urw4 
and statesman f True., he had spent large sums 
of money upon his election to his present posi¬ 
tion ; and true again^ that he was many hunvtred 
thousand dollars better off now, than when elected: 
but did not t?^ former go to show the dmtiiere^ed 
patriotism of a great mimis anxious at tmy to 
serve the people! and did not the latter to 
prove his extraordinary ability^ whereby he was 
enableil, not only to guide the ship (f state safely 




HE FUBTIHER DmzSGnSHES HQC5ELF, ETC. 29 

and proeperonslT over the perflons quicksands of 
time, bnt also to manage his own little craft as 
weD, and keep her nmning in the same track I 
A few grumblers, (there are always such), did 
complain, because faxes were much higher^ and 
government securities much lower, thfm before 
our hero went into oSce, and because the puUic 
dehi had doubled during the same period; bnt 
then these were persons of no importance in politi- 
cal dndeSj and were soon silenced by a reference 
to the good crops, the mild winters, and the free¬ 
dom from grasshoppers in the West, which last, 
under the former administration, had threatened 
to ruin the farmers. Did not these hen^ts con- 
stitnte a good return, even if taxes were high ? 
"What matter if gycemment bonds were depre¬ 
ciated in foreign markets, so long as greenbacks 
were plentiful at home I Are we not a great na¬ 
tion, and cannot we whip the icorldf 

Still fired with patriotic zeaL our friend now de¬ 
termined to sacrifice himself and his prospects sdll 
further in the interests of the people, and to enter 
the fists for the presidential cup.” The “ W htte 
House ” was the goal upon which Ms eyes w«e 
fixed, and toward wMeh his aspirations tended. 
The present occupant had been placed there prin¬ 
cipally by his influence, and was now simply Ms 
tenant at will, Ms tool, Ms creature, Ms slave. He 
wrote from our hero’s dictation, and spoke his sen¬ 
timents; he appointed his nominees to office, 
and obeyed his nod; he was the puppet, and 







30 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


jumped when our friend pulled the strings; in a 
word, George Washington Brown was the power 
hehind the throned 

Which is best, to be a Icing ^ or a Icing maker f ” 
Surely a king, say we, and so thought our patriot. 
He despised his minion, and had long since deter¬ 
mined to oust him, and take his place. Who would 
remain prompter behind the scenes, when he might, 
if he so desired, act high tragedy before the foot¬ 
lights \ Who among us is willing to be regarded 
as “ second fiddle, when in fact leading the or¬ 
chestra f 

Ambition, (like fire), is a good servant, but a had 
master. Macbeth, when Macbeth only, was a brave 
soldier, and probably a virtuous man, {as men go /) 
as thane of Glamis and Cawdor, he sighed for 
Duncan’s crown, and stooped to hose means to obtain 
his end. Kobespierre was an effeminate boy, and 
wrote love-sonnets in his youth. Hero and Caligula 
each began their respective reigns with acts of clem¬ 
ency. Hapoleon was as harmless to the peace of 
Europe when storming mud forts with his play¬ 
fellows at school, as when immured in St. Helena. 
It is the intoxication of power that turns men’s 
wits. He who can walk a ship’s deck in safety, 
cannot always mount the cross-tree with impunity. 
At the best, human nature is but weak, and the pur¬ 
est man, after all, is but mortal. Unless the Jewish 
historian libelled our worthy ancestress, (and surely 
the meekest man that ever lived ” was much too 
meek for that), Satcm was Evds fi/rst love ; and her 


HE FUETHEE DISTENGUISHES HIMSELF, ETC. 31 

descendants stand condemned in consequence, ever 
to bear upon their escutcheons the “ 'bend smister ’’ 
of his Satanic majesty. 


CHAPTER YII. 
The “Modus Opeeandi.” 


“ I profess me thy friend. Put money in thy purse** 

“ Defeat thy favour with a usurped beard; I say, put 
money in thy purse*' 

“ These Moors are changeable in their wills ; —jiU thy 
purse with money.*' 

f ^AVIHG so long held the reins of 
government, it will be very readily 
imderstood that our hero was not without 
hosts of friends and backers, in all parts 
of the country. His first care upon 
gaining control of the government patronage, had 
been to discharge from office all persons not of “ the 
party or who he had any reason to believe might 
object to submit blindly in all things to his dicta¬ 
tion, and the positions thus made vacant he had 
at once filled with people firmly bound to his in¬ 
terests by various ties. 

Some one has defined “ Gratitude ” to be, “ a 
Iwely sense of benefits to comeP The definition is 
good; we accept it; and along side of it let us 
note down this truism, which is applicable to a 
very large class of persons: If you wish to 
transform a passive friend into an active enemy 
load him with benefits. 

Another sure mode to make a person detest you, 



THE MODUS OPERANDI. 


33 


is to suffer an unprovoked injury at his hands. 
If one man maliciously^ and without cause, in¬ 
jures another, he hates his victim ever after. Why 
these things are, we do not pretend to say, it is 
enough that they really exist, and are quite patent 
and well-known to the most superficial observer of 
human nature. We claim no merit of discovery. 
Mom is an omomaly, a conundrum, and as such we 
do not pretend either to classify him or to sol/oe 
him. In our humble opinion he belongs to no 
class, and is capable of no solution. 

A national election differs only from a State or 
county election in this, that there are more men 
to be “ seenP Do we mean that there are more 
men to be regarded by the physical eye of the 
candidate? No, we mean this. Each prominent 
member of the party, in every State, in every 
county, in every assembly district, must be re¬ 
garded with ^Hhe eye of faith f and his necessi¬ 
ties carefully noted. Thus the candidate for pres¬ 
ident, or governor, or assemblyman, or alderman, 
as the case may be, becomes for the time being an 
ardent philanthropist, the father, so to speak {or 
step-father), of — his country, his State, his county, 
or his ward. He affectionately inquires into the 
necessities of all his “ dear friendsj'' the politi¬ 
cians, and relieves them* in such an underhand, 
quiet, unostentatious way, that “ he letteth not his 
right hand Icnow what his left hand doethP 
True Philanthropy ever veils her face. Thus, in 
politics a man is usually ‘‘ seen ” through a friend, 
5 


34 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


the philanthropic candidate for office remaining in 
the background. The needs of all will not of 
course be the same, and the plastic hand of the 
political philanthropist must constantly adapt itself 
to the peculiar necessities of each individual case. 
Only a comparatively few need immediate pecuni¬ 
ary assistamce^ but nearly all want “ where 

by honest labor ^ and self-sacrificing devotion to the 
interests of the people^ they may earn a decent 
subsistence for themselves and their families. Of 
course, all benefits of this nature must necessarily 
be ^Hn futurof and contingent. 

We have before said that a sure way to trans¬ 
form a passive friend into an active enemy., is to 
place him under obligation. Political philanthro¬ 
pists confer no favors, and therefore make no ene¬ 
mies in this way. The moneys paid out by them 
are for the benefit of “ the party and are used to' 
advance the interests of “ the partyP All politi¬ 
cians, high and low, being without exception, phil¬ 
anthropists and honest men, no accounts are ever 
required or rendered. The offices promised (in 
event of success), are all now contingent, but then 
vested rights, and has not a man an undeniable 
claim to what is his own ? “ To the victors belong 

the spoilsT Who then will deny the right of the 
victors to enter upon and enjoy their property ? 

These offices, being as we have said, now purely 
contingent, the would-be incumbent naturally 
wishes that the contingency may come to pass. 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the 


THE MODUS OPEEANDI. 


36 


evidence of things not seenP Thus the prom¬ 
isee of a political office ever has the most implicit 
faith in the virtue^ patriotism and ability of his 
promisor. 

To be successful in a political campaign, it is 
necessary that the ^‘free^ independent and en~ 
lightened press'’’’ of the party f should favor the 
candidate. Are not the public journals the ac> 
knowledged censors of public morals — the pro¬ 
tectors of public virtue ? Is not the pen mightier 
than the sword, and the printing press more pov)- 
erful than all modern instruments of warlike de¬ 
struction combined ? Are not all editors, like all 
politicians, notably good and pure men, wedded to 
the public welfare, and brimming over with enthu¬ 
siastic patriotism ? Are they not, each and all of 
them, genuine modern Sir Galahads, virtuous to an 
extreme, and brave to desperation f Do they not 
crouch in their respective sanctums, like hungry 
lions at midday, writing scathing articles upon 
anybody and everybody, while their reporters go 
about the streets seeking whom they may devour ? 
Is not the following a true and faithful description 
of their emblem or crest ? “ In theforeground two 

ferocious ^‘Thomas-Cats^^ ^^rampamtf disUllmg 
gouts of gore and venom, from their rapa¬ 
cious fcrngs; in the bach groumd, two swords 
^'‘dormamtf broJcen and badly rusted; upon 
the right a crowing cock, graspmg a reek¬ 
ing scalp-lock in his talons; and upon the 
left, a basket of rejected manuscript, labelled 
^Declined with thanks? And have they not 


36 GEOEGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 

appropnated the motto of old Scotia — “ Nemo 
me imjpune lacessit f ” And do they not 
in for a scrimmage^ upon the very slightest prov¬ 
ocation ? Yea^ verily ! 

There are several modes of obtaining favor with 
the press, but that most in vogue among politicians 
can be explained in two words, namely: “ Govern¬ 
ment printi/ngP Woe to the unlucky wight, who 
dares to offer a pecuniary hrihe to an editor, hop¬ 
ing thereby to secure his political influence. But 
a suggestion, that the editor would confer a benefit 
upon the country, by accepting a post of trust and 
profit under the government, is sure to fan into 
instant flame all those smouldering fires of patriot¬ 
ism, which notably occupy every editorial bosom ! 
Or an intimation that the candidate has control of 
certain government contracts for printing, to be 
disposed of upon (government work»» 

is always paid for liberally), will ever at least com¬ 
mand attention, and will frequently cause the 
“ knight of the quill ” to form a remarkably favor¬ 
able impression of the ability and wo^rth of his inter¬ 
locutor. The impression thus formed will most 
probably display itself upon the following morning, 
and ever afterward {so long as the printing lasts, 
or the office holds out), in double headers ” and 
brilliant editorials. Should the printing contract 
come to an end, however, or the services of the 
aforesaid knight be dispensed with, the tone of the 
editorials is very apt to change completely, and the 
public are informed, in still larger capitals, that 


CREST OF THE PARTY PRESS. NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT*.' 


































































































































































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THE MODUS OPEBANDI. 


37 


we have heen grossly deceived in this man^ he is 
a low-minded political demagogue^ a base ruffian^ 
a contemptible renegade^ a villain of the deepest 
dye^ ” etc., etc., ad infi/nitttm. The importa/nce 
therefore to a candidate for election to a political 
office, of conciliating “ the pressf will at once be 
recognized. 

George Washington Brown, having passed twenty 
years in politics, was now pretty well posted upon 
all matters connected therewith. He was no green¬ 
horn / in popular parlance, “ he knew the ropesP 
Long before the convention met, his name was 
canvassed all over the country by “ the party ’’ pa¬ 
pers. He had been already so long, and so frequently 
before the people, that there was really nothing 
new to his patriotism^'^^ and ‘‘his self- 

sacrificing devotion to the public wealfi etc., but all 
this was again and again repeated, and a special 
corps of reporters dogged his footsteps wherever 
he went, making notes of what he said, how he 
looked, what he ate, what he drank, in fact every 
thing he did. The veriest minuticB of his every¬ 
day life, was served up daily to the public in the 
newspapers, and upon bulletin boards. His cold 
in the head^ was the subject of melancholy comment 
for a week, at the stock exchange, and there was a 
perceptible fall in government securities in conse¬ 
quence, while upon the occasion of his visit to a 
celebrated chriopodist to have an ingrowing nail 
removed^ the people were wild with excitement, 
extras were published every half hour, prayers 


38 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


for his safe recovery were offered in all the 
churches. The fates were propitious; the opera¬ 
tion was successfully performed, and once more 
the people breathed freely, only to be thrown into 
renewed paroxysms by the news that their idol 
was suffering from a severe attack of colic, brought 
on by eating two freely of green cucvmbers. This 
story, however, proved to be a canard^ and the 
wretched reporter who invented it, together with 
the compositor who set it up, both suffered the 
penalty of their crime; they were immediately 
lynched hy the infuriated populace. 

In due time the party convention met, and after 
a little preliminary skirmishing {which always takes 
place, though it never means any thing, hut serves 
to hamhoozle the people), our hero was nominated 
by acclamation for the office of President of the 
United States.” 


CHAPTEE VIII. 

What is a Party Convention? 


“ O, Nature ! what hadst thou to do in Hell, 

“ When thou didst bower the spirit of a fiend 
“ In mortal paradise of such sweet flesh ? 

“ Was ever book containing such vile matter 
“ So fairly bound ? O, that deceit should dwell 
“ In such a gorgeous palace ! ” 

HE office of a party convention is not 
^ only to nominate a candidate for the 
vacant political post, but also to draw up 
“ a platform ” which may serve as a ros¬ 
trum for the party orators who shall 
‘‘ stump ” the country in favor of such candidate. 

This platform ” must be carefully constructed 
to meet all needs, in all parts of the field, and must 
be composed of ^^plcmhs’^ sufficient to accommodate 
the chairs of all the presidents, vice-presidents, and 
secretaries, who are supposed to preside at political 
meetings, and whose names, the following morning, 
fill an entire sheet of the party paper; being gen¬ 
erally an exact copy, in full, of the town directory; 
females^ cmd hoys wnder sixteen years^ only ex- 
eluded. 

In case of shipwreck, these planks ” also serve to 
bring the remnants of the party to shore, where, 
having dried their clothes at the blazing fire of 


40 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


^^pa/rty reform^'^ they are at liberty to reorganize, 
and try it again. In view of these facts it will be 
readily understood that the construction of a proper 
platf 07 ^ 711 ^^ is a matter of the gravest consideration 
in political circles; and as the inhabitants of each 
State favor the timber growing within their own 
limits, and despise all other kinds of wood, the task 
is one of no small difficulty. The problem is usu¬ 
ally solved, however, by selecting one board from 
each lot offered, and having spiked them together 
with iron resolutions, and gummed them over with 

Buncombe ” pitch; the whole is covered with the 
stars and stripes; and surmounted by a spread 
eagle, with the national motto grasped between his 
talons. The whole party then crowd aboard ; the 
platform is launched upon the stormy sea of a po-. 
litical campaign, and away they go, to victory, or 
—‘ otherwise. 

The following is a copy in full, of “ the platform ” 
adopted by the convention which nominated George 
Washington Brown for the presidency, and which 
will be seen to have contained twenty plcmks ” or 
resolutions. The first, (as was eminently fitting), 
being a “ confession of faith the last a patriotic 
tribute to the of freedomP (N. B. The 

brackets form no part of the original resolutions, 
but a/re merely inserted here to explain their real 
meaning, as understood by the members of the 
convention^ 


WHAT IS A PARTY CONVENTION. 


41 


The Party Platform. 

(1.) We believe in the party'* There is no true party, 
but one party, and that is “ our party." 

(2.) We believe in the republican form of government. 
For the people; of the people; and by the people. {For 
our party ; of our party ; and by our party.) 

(3.) We love the laboring classes, {and would fain squeeze 
them.) 

(4.) We favor a free press ; {which shall speak our senti¬ 
ments) 

(5.) We favor a free and independent judiciary; {nomi¬ 
nated and elected by us, and dependent upon us.) 

(6.) We believe in the inviolability of the provisions of the 
constitution; {except when party interests demand their in¬ 
fringement) 

(7.) We believe in the paramount supremacy of law. 
(under party discipline and direction.) 

(8.) We favor an independent vote. ( Under the direction 
and control of our party whip.) 

(9.) We are opposed to intimidation at the polls. {Except 
in extreme cases.) 

(10.) We despise bribery. {When practised by the opposi¬ 
tion.) 

(11.) Let no voter cast more than one vote ; {in each ward) 

(12.) Let all votes be correctly counted ; {and our candi¬ 
dates counted in.) 

(13.) We favor civil service reform ; (by expulsion of all 
men, not our friends, from office.) 

(14.) Let all avenues to the public treasury be carefully 
guarded ; {by us) 

(15.) We favor retipenchment in expenditures ; {and reteru 
tion of surpluses.) 

(16.) We favor a sound currency; {i. e., a currency of 
sound) 

(17.) We believe in addition to the public happiness ; sub¬ 
traction from the public miseries ; multiplication of public 
benefits ; {and [between ourselves'] division of public spoils.) 

(18.) We believe in the political supremacy of the people, 
and will cheerfully submit to their guidance. ( Until after 
election.) 

(19.) We believe the opposition to be wholly corrupt, and 
totally unworthy of confidence. {The same boot fits us both.) 

(20.) The American nation is a great nation; a mighty 
people ; they lead the world, and can whip creation! The 
bird of freedom spreads his wings under all skies, and ex 
plores all latitudes ! “ E. pluribus unum ! " Let the eagle 
scream 1 {Buncombe.) 

6 


42 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


Such was the platform. Leaving out the paren¬ 
theses, (which really existed only in the minds of 
the members, and have never until now seen the 
light); and reading the resolutions as adopted, and 
as they were published the day following their 
adoption, all over the country, in town and hamlet, 
upon posters, bulletin-boards, and in the daily prints; 
what could possibly be more sublime in diction ; 
more moral and ennobling, in sentiment ? Does not 
every line, of every resolution, breathe Christian 
love and philanthropy for the race, and undying 
devotion to the country ? Is not the platform, as 
a whole, a grand monument of pure-minded states¬ 
manship ; self-sacrificing devotion to the public 
weal; and enthusiastic patriotism ? Upon this 
platform, then, George Washington Brown and his 
friends took their stand; and from it they har¬ 
angued the voters of every State in the Union, 
and enunciated with vigor the great moral truths 
therein contained; but, of course, said nothing 
about pa/renthetic explanations tacked 

on to the resolutions. 

The leading political questions agitating the 
popular mind at the time of our friend’s nomina¬ 
tion, were the following: Gold^ or paper currency; 
free trade^ or protection ; sectariam^ or non-secta- 
riam, schools ; the continuance^ or discontinuance 
of National hanks ; a war, or peace policy toward 
the wild Indians of the west; the rooting out, or 
toleration of Mormonism. • 

Upon these questions there was universal debate, 


WHAT IS A PAKTY CONVENTION. 43 

and in the solution of the difficulties they pre¬ 
sented, every intelligent and thoughtful person 
felt deeply interested, yet reference to “ the jparty 
platf orm ” will show that not one wotcI was con¬ 
tained therein upon these matters, nor the slightest 
reference made to them even incidentally. Why 
was this? For the simple reason that public sen¬ 
timent, being divided upon these subjects, the 
convention could not safely take either side, for 
fear of losing ground with those holding contrary 
opinions, therefore they did what conventions 
always do in such cases, they “ dodged the gues- 
tionf quietly ignored these matters, and dealt only 
in “ glittering generalities^ or huncomhef and 
George Washington Brown and his co-laborers, in 
their political harangues, did likewise; and while 
they beat all around the bush, cracked jokes, spun 
funny yarns to make their audiences laugh, and 
talked “ spread-eagle ” and “ the star-spangled ban¬ 
ner ” in abundance, they took good care never to 
face any one of these Political Sphinxes f which 
lay crouched in the path, and were in no wise eager 
to attempt a solution of any of the riddles pro¬ 
pounded by the said ill-favored beasts. We have 
before said that tact is an indispensable attribute 
to the successful politician; this is especially true 
when he ventures upon the rostrum in the role of 
Campaign OratorT While upon this subject, 
let us briefly review the modus operandi of getting 
up a political meeting. 


CHAPTEK IX. 

A Political Meeting. 

“ Then he will talk — good gods 1 how he will talk! ” 

“ Vows with so much passion, swears with so much grace, 
“ That ’tis a kind of heaven to be deluded by him.” 

the first place, the local party 
committee secures the hall, and 
makes all the necessary preliminary ar- 
rangements. Then for several days be- 
fore the event, “ the jpa/rt/y press, calls 
attention in large capitals to the fact that upon a 
certain evening, “ the Hon. Charles Augustus 
Muggins, M. C., late United States minister to 
England, etc., etc., will address the voters of the 
town upon the leading political questions of the 
day, and the coming election^ When the eve¬ 
ning arrives, a band is stationed at the door of the 
hall, and keeps up a terrific din of drums and 
wind instruments, while a large bonfire is lighted 
in the middle of the street, and is kept burning 
by the garmns of the neighborhood. Then the 
various party ” organizations of the tovm armed, 
with fiaming torches and gaudy banners, march 
down to the hotel where the honorable gentleman 
is stopping, and escort him up to the hall, where he 
is ushered upon the platform wijth — “ three cheers 


A POLITICAL MEETING. 


45 


and a tiger^ All around him, seated upon the 
rostrum, swarm the local representative men of the 
party, who, by their presence, it is supposed, will 
enhance the dignity of the occasion. One of these, 
rising from his seat, nominates another of the num¬ 
ber (generally a fat and puffy individual), as chair¬ 
man of the meeting, and having put the question, 
declares him ‘‘ elected^'^ without waiting for the vote. 
The chairman thereupon takes his seat, when an¬ 
other gentleman, stepping forward, presents a long 
list of names (generally five hundred or so), cojpied 
at rcmdomfrom the directco'y., and headed with the 
names of about a dozen well-known men of “ the 
partyP These persons he nominates as ^presidents 
of the meetingP The chairman puts the question, 
and as was done in his own case, declares them all 
elected,without waiting for any expression of the 
popular sentiment. A long list of “ vice-presidents ” 
and another of “ secreta/ries,^^ are nominated, and are 
declared “ electedf in the same manner. Then the 
chairman rises, and having refreshed himself from 
the tumbler of water at his elbow, and having 
blown his nose with a fiourish, proceeds to thank 
the audience for “ their very kmd attendomce, and 
their still greater kindness in havmg elected me 
as chairmam of this meeting; ” declaring, (here he 
blows his nose again, and wipes his eyes), “ that to 
his dying day, he shall not forget this expression 
of their confidenceP (Considering the manner of 
‘‘ his election^'' some of the audience might feel dis¬ 
posed to cavil upon the question of confidence'^'*; 


46 


GEORGE WASHESTGTON BROWN. 


but if any one should for a moment entertain such 
a thought, the evident emotion of the worthy gen¬ 
tleman restrains him.) He next indulges in a little 
tirade against “ the opposition ,and their candidate; 
goes off into a short rhapsody over “ onrparty ” 
and OUT nominee^'^ and ends up by a glowing 
eulogy upon “ the honorable gentleman and dis¬ 
tinguished patriot, ‘ Charles Augustus Muggins^ 
whom he has now the honor to introduceP 

Hon. “ Charles Augustus Muggins ” now rises, 
and softly rubbing the palms of his hands together 
^ in a deprecatory sort of way, advances to the front. 
He smiles benignly upon the assembled multitude, 
who greet him with cheers {being led on by certain 
parties in the pay of the committee, and who are 
stationed in different parts of the hall for that 
purpose), and then gracefully turning to the chair¬ 
man, modestly thanks him for ^Hhe very flatter¬ 
ing, the too flattering, manner in which he has 
introduced me{'^ He then begins his speech. A 
political speech of this kind usually occupies about 
two hours, and is made up of about half an hour’s 
“ exordium f consisting of nothing in particular — 
which the audience bear with because they 2ire fresh; 
an hour and a half of bitter denunciation and ridi¬ 
cule of the opposition ” and their candidate (by the 
end of which time many seats are vacant); and 
half an hour’s peroration f made up of eulogistic 
reference to our partyour candidate^^ our 
country fl ‘‘ our eagle f and “ buncombe ” generally. 
The whole is interspersed with very poor puns, 


A POLITICAL MEETING. 


47 


and threadbare jokes, which occasionally, (notwith¬ 
standing their shabbiness), extort a smile from the 
weary listeners. Even the shadow of a joke is, 
however, instantly applauded by the jpmd ‘‘ cheer- 
ers^'^ whose evening’s pay and future employment 
depend upon their alertness, so that when the 
speech appears reported the following morning, 
it is interspersed with applause ,‘‘ cheers, 
^Haughter^'^ great sensation,^^ ^'‘deafening ap- 
plause,^^ etc., etc,, ad mfinitum. 

Thus did our patriot and his party stump the 
country; and as all political speeches are alike, 
both in their matter and in their surroundings, 
we may as well, for the purpose of this history, 
consider “ Hon. Charles Augustus Muggins,” 
as identical with our hero, George Washington 
Brown. 

We have before quoted and indorsed the max¬ 
im — “ To the victors 'belong the spoilsP 

How, in olden times the priests of the estab¬ 
lished faith always levied ^Hithes^^ upon any 
spoils ” captured by the believers. This system 
is still rigidly kept up and enforced at the present 
day, in politics. In every political campaign — 
whether county. State, or national — every person 
holding a political office, be it small or great, 
from the president down to the letter-carrier, is 
taxed, according to his salary, to meet the expenses 
of the campaign. The ‘^big” officials generally 
come down^^ freely, as a good speculation, 
much upon the same principle as they would buy 


48 


GEOE E WASHINGTON BEOWN. 


a ticket in a lottery. If they fail, then better luck 
next time; if they win, they know it will not be 
difficult to reimburse themselves. With the small 
fry, the case is somewhat different. Fifty, or even 
twenty-five dollars, is a serious loss to a man sup¬ 
porting a family upon, say six or eight hundred 
dollars a year. But what can he do ? He refuses 
at his peril. It is “ HobsorHs choice ” with him. 
Refuse to pay, and be kicked out; or pay, and 
deny his family the common necessaries of life for 
the next three months to make up for it; and 
then, by the time he is nicely under way again, 
another election, and another taxation will be in 
order. Then again, if his party is beaten in the 
contest, he will, at any rate, have to give-place to 
some other of the opposite political faith; so he 
pays over his hard-earned savings with a groan, 
and trys to comfort himself with the reflection, 
that after all it is only what those above him are 
also obliged to do; which is in fact true, only with 
a vast difference between the relative prices of the 
tickets, and the relative values of the prizes when 
gained. 


CHAPTEE X. 
Xeck aitd Neck. 


“ If we should fail ? ”— 

“We fail?” 

“ But screw your courage to the sticking place, 

“ And we’ll not fail.” 

HILE party had thus been 
getting into position, and bringing 
their guns to bear, the enemy had not 
been idle. ‘‘The opposition ” had also 
^ held a national convention, had adopted 
a platform, (similar to that of “ the party but of 
course, differently worded), and had nominated their 
strongest mam, to oppose our hero. The latter was 
bitterly denounced in all their papers, and by all 
their speakers, as “a political demagogue and 
tyrant^ wholly corrupt^ and wholly unworthy the 
confidence of the 'peopled 

We have before described the State campaign 
when our friend ran for Governor, and was elected. 
This was but a repetition of that^ only, the battle 
ground, instead of a single State, comprised the 
whole Union, and the greater importance of the 
occasion, developed more political feeling between 
the contending forces, and more excitement among 
the masses. As before, “Brown ” was the idol of 
“ the party f and hrown emblems were conspieu- 
Y 


60 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


ously worn by both men, women, and children of 
that faith. But, upon the other hand, Green ” 
(the opposition candidate), had an equal number of 
adherents, and Ms color was worn in equal abun¬ 
dance. The faction ate brown bread, 

drank brown ale, wore brown clothes, slept under 
brown coverlids, dreamt of ^^Brown^'^ talked of 
Brown, reasoned from ^^Brown^s^^ standpoint, 
and viewed every thing through brown spectacles. 
In like manner the “ Green ” faction regaled them¬ 
selves upon green turtle, and their children upon 
green fruit, drank green-seal champagne, wore 
Lincoln green suits, wrote green sonnets, squinted 
through green glasses, talked green, looked green, 
and (so said Brown’s friends), acted green. The 
preachers prayed ^^BrowM^ prayers or preached 
“ Green ” sermons, the theaters played “ Green ” 
plays, to “ Green ” audiences, with green actors, in 
green characters, gotton up in green rooms; or pre¬ 
sented ^^BrowM'^ tragedies, ^‘BrowM^ comedies, 
and ‘‘BrowM^ ballets, upon stages hung with 
brown tapestry, and ornamented with scenes of 
brown autumn forests. The ladies wore bright 
emerald, or brown agate earings, and, as before, 
carried dyed lap-dogs, of green or brown, to match 
their gloves and dresses of a like shade. The forests 
alternated between green and brown, and the 
brown waters of the Missouri, refused to mingle 
with the pale green of the Mississippi; all nature 
seemed to sympathize with the prevailing feeling, 
and choose sides with the respective parties. 


THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. 































































































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NECK AND NECK. 


51 


The contest was a dose one ; the wrestlers were 
well matched. Sometimes Brown would make a 
mis-step and seem to stumble, and then again Green 
would stagger under a well directed blow from 
his adversary; but each would in turn recover 
himself, and neither gave any sign of abandoning 
the field. As election day approached, business 
fairly stagnated; shopkeepers lolled lazily behind 
their vacant counters; the stock exchange was si¬ 
lent ; the gold room closed; the whole male popu¬ 
lation thronged the streets, and clustered in excited 
groups of green or hrown upon the corners. In 
the various drinking saloons, trade was lively, and 
rich harvests were reaped, making the proprietors 
wish that presidential campaigns were continuous, 
instead of only quadrennial. To the poor Ger¬ 
man and Irish voters it was a perfect millennium. 
For three whole days, before the day of election, 
all the restaurants and drinking places (each bear¬ 
ing its respective party color) were free to all 
comers, the party committees paying the expenses. 
Gluttony and dnmkenness were universal, and the 
station houses were full every night; but as each 
culprit had a vote, and always managed to appear 
before a justice of \h.Q same politioal hue, no sen¬ 
tences were imposed. The governors of several of 
the States, hoping thereby to gain favor for their 
respective parties with the criminal classes par¬ 
doned and discharged many hundred convicts from 
prison, and restored them to citizenship. Society 
had suddenly become chaotic, and confusion reigned 


62 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


supreme. The day preceding the election, an edict 
was issued that all drinking places should be closed 
during the time the polls remained open, and the 
police were directed to enforce this rule. (This 
was of course strictly done. The saloons all put 
up their hlinds^ closed the-irfront doors, and con¬ 
ducted a thriving business all day through their 
side entrances, the police never venturing in that 
direction, unless when asked to refresh themselves 
at the expense of some half intoxicated voter^ 

For weeks before election, pools ” had been 
publicly auctioned every evening at all the prin¬ 
cipal hotels, and usually Brown sold over his op¬ 
ponent. Upon the evening before election day, 
however, so close did the chances seem, that the 
knowing ones began to “ hedgef while inexperi¬ 
enced gamblers still bet money upon their favorites 
with reckless freedom. (Each bet being conditioned 
off till after election^'^ the purchasers of pools, 
if challenged at the polls, could all conscientiously 
■swear that, “ they had not become directly or indi¬ 
rectly interested in any bet or wager^ depending 
upon the result of said election^ and leading men 
all over the country, did not scruple to buy pools 
freely, with this understanding, and then subscribe 
to the above quoted constitutional oath against 
wagers^ 



CHAPTEE XI. 
Election Day. 


** Master, — wilt buy this sheep ? ” 

*‘Thouliest, — naughty knave; ’tis not a sheep, ’tis a 
dog, — a vile, mangy dog” 

“ Nay master, ’tis a sheep ; I swear ’tis a sheep ; a good 
fat sheep; ’tis no dog.” 

the eventful day dawned; the 
sun rose; the polls opened. In every 
town throughout the country the ward 
politicians were up and stirring, having 

Sr each slept “ with one eye open^ and for 
the other, used an eye openerP They now 
besieged the polls, each wearing a hrown or green 
favor in his button-hole, and carrying in his hand a 
number of printed ballots for distribution. The 
ballot usually used, was a brown or green strip of 
paper, printed with the names of the regularly 
nominated electors, of the party represented by the 
color of the paper. So long as this rule was strictly 
adhered to, there was no danger of the least edu¬ 
cated voter falling into error, as he would not be apt 
lo vote a green ballot in mistake for a hrown one, 
_or mce versa. But the trouble was, that each 
party haa cs '^^ly procured samples of their opponent’s 
ballots, and the ‘‘Brown” faction had carefully imi¬ 
tated the “Green ” ballots both as to color and general 


54 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


appearance, the only difference being, {no difference 
at all to a man who could not read)^ that only the 
first two or three names heading the list of “Green ” 
electors had been retained, the others having given 
place to a corresponding number of the “ Brown ” 
nominees. Thus even an educated, but careless voter, 
(though cautioned to beware oifrauds), upon open¬ 
ing his ballot, and seeing the first two or three 
names correct, would be very apt to assume that 
they were all so, and read no further. The “Green ” 
party had done likewise by the “ Brown ” ballot, and 
the only protection left to the honest voter, outside 
his own native sagacity, was the keen vigilance with 
which the members of each party watched the 
other. Each knowing themselves to be capable of 
any meanness which might seem to promise an ad¬ 
vantage, naturally suspected their opponents of liTce 
'practices, and were well warranted in so doing. In 
both love and war, all enterprises are said to be 
perfectly fair, and proper, so long as successfully 
accomplished; and were not all these—modern 
“ Lochinvars,^^ in love with the people, and at war 
with corruption • as symholized hy the party in 
opposition to them f 

To the livelong credit of both parties let it here 
be said, that neither bribery nor intimidation were 
openly practiced. Of these offences the law always 
takes cognizance, {after election), and woe to the 
unlucky wretch who is found guilty. If tried be^ 
fore a judge of the opposite political color, he is 
severely punished as an example and warning to 


ELECTION DAY. 


55 


all of the same faith; if before one of his own 
shade^ he fares even worse^ being then punished 
unmercifully upon the theory of Chinese castiga¬ 
tion of thieves^ for having heen so unshillful as to 
he caught. Whenever a bonus., therefore, was of¬ 
fered, or taken, the parties modestly withdrew 
around some neighboring corner, or entered the side 
door of the adjacent groggery, where, over sundry 
glasses of ale, etc., — buttons, jacJc-hiives,and pieces 
of old rope, changed hands at unheard of prices. 
Intimidation went no further than hoarse lohispers 
in the ear, and savage signs, such as striking the right 
fist forcibly upon the left palm, or drawing the 
first dexter finger, significantly across the throat. 

At last, it was all over. The Sun set, the polls 
closed, the people rushed home, swallowed each 
a hasty supper, and again thronged down town, 
to glean news of the result, as best they might, 
from the unreliable reports, which, from time 
to time, appeared upon the bulletin-boards, of 
the respective newspapers. We may as well 
mention here, that while the respective party 
newspapers had kept up a great show of animosity 
toward each other, all through the campaign, and 
while their respective editors when now interviewed 
by the eager voters, showed outward signs of pat¬ 
riotic excitement bordering upon insanity, yet the 
contest being a close one, they had, weeks before, 
{when conning over and correcting each other^s 
manuscript editorials, as was their wont), come to 
a quiet understanding, that whichever party won, 


66 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


the profits upon all government jols awarded to 
the press representative of the successful party, 
should be egually divided. Public sentiment and 
party necessities, compelled them to appear before 
the world as bitter enemies ; but why should this 
enmity be carried into private life % Before the 
footlights^ Montague and Capulet are at swords 
points ; behind the scenes they are usually close 
friends^ and not infrequently children of the same 
parents, both nursed at the same breast. We have 
before intimated, that the masses are regarded as 
mere children by the politicians, and as such it has 
been admitted that their preceptors are justified in 
occasionally using a httle mild deceit toward them. 
Let us now add further that the masses like to be 
deceived, and are willing to pay well for a humbug. 
How otherwise could political ranters^'* gain office, 
or dealers in quack nostricms make fortunes ? The 
people demand these things and they get them. 
The bigger the humbug, the greater the bargain. 
There are plenty of them to choose from. “ You 
pay your money^ and you take your choice^ 

But my worthy Bumpkinfi because you expect 
your editor to ‘‘ pitch into ” the opposition editor 
upon all occasions and upon the slightest provoca¬ 
tion, you must not expect that he will not meet 
him {sub rosa^ of course), in the evening, and over 
a friendly glass of wine compare manuscripts for 
the next dafs issue / at the same time each calling 
the other’s attention to some choice bit of sarcasm 
or invective, and suggesting a fitting answer there- 



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ELECTION DAY. 


hi 

to; botli shaking their sides with glee over your, 
and your companions’ credulity. Well, what of it ? 
“All the world’s a stage,” and did you, my worthy 
friend, see behind the scenes^ you would lose all 
interest in the play. So, unless you propose to 
turn philosopher or cynic, (both of which profes¬ 
sions render but a poor living to the practitioner), 
you had better try to believe that all the gods, god¬ 
desses and nymphs, are what they appear to be ; 
and that “ all is gold that glitters.” 

8 


CHAPTEE XII. 

The Eeshlt. 

“ Wherefore rejoice? What conquest brings he home ? 

“ What tributaries follow him to Rome, 

“ To grace in captive bonds his chariot wheels ? ” 

“ Begone 1 

“ Run to your houses, fall upon your knees, 

“ Pray to the gods to intermit the plague, 

“ That needs must light on this ingratitude.” 

LOWLY the returns came in. To- 
^ ward midnight a large camera was 
put in operation at one of the newspaper 
offices, and the figures were fiashed upon 
a sheet suspended upon the opposite side 
of the street. As Brown, or his oppo¬ 
nent, seemed to have carried a State, deafening 
cheers rang out from their respective adherents, 
while humorous and sarcastic remarks and allu¬ 
sions were freely indulged in upon both sides. 
Even at this late hour many bets were offered and 
taken, so evenly did the scales stand. At last, 
however, the tide began to set in one direction, 
and the figures to swell up in favor of the “ Brown ” 
party. Odds were now freely offered upon Brown, 
with but few takers, and by the time morning 
broke, enough was known to render it certain that 
“ the 'party ’’ had been successful, and that Brown 


THE RESULT. 


59 


would 'hold a winning majority in the electoral 
college. Brown and his party were bright and 
jubilant, while Green and his associates were cor¬ 
respondingly wilted and depressed. Is it not ever 
thus, in the race of life ? The exultation of one 
shadows the disappointment of another. “ Homo 
homini lupus ,and the feast of the victor heralds 
the death-agony of the vanquished. In due time 
the electoral college met; the result was already 
assured; and George Washington Brown was 
formally declared elected “President of the 
United States of America.” 

We have before endeavored to convey some 
faint idea of the general rejoicing, upon the occa¬ 
sion of our hero’s election as Governor; but to 
describe the scene following his election to the 
“ Chief Magistracy of the ISTation,” we confess 
exceeds our powers j in fact, it fairly “ beggared all 
description^ For every person thronging the 
streets, upon the former occasion, there now 
seemed ten thousand. Where on earth do all 
the people come from ? was a question propounded 
by each individual to himself, throughout that 
whole, heaving, seething mass of humanity; and 
the only possible way to obtain an answer, was 
for each to answer his own question for himself, 
of himself, to himself; and the aggregate of all 
these answers would most surely be the correct 
solution of the problem. But how to collect the 
answers so as to make them available ? Well, we 
admit, there we are slightly at a loss. 


60 


GEOEGE WASHINGTON BKOWN. 


From elegant brown-stone mansions upon patrio 
ian avenues, where wealth and luxury grease the 
lazy wheels of Time’s chariot; from tenements and 
vile slums, where misery and want breed vice and 
crime; from palatial hotels and club-rooms, where 
the favored of Fortune smoke their fragrant Ha¬ 
vanas, and drink their costly wines; from dark, 
damp arches of the river bridge, where the va¬ 
grant, the outcast, and the water-rat, burrow to¬ 
gether from the night air; from the- highest to the 
lowest, rich and poor, old man and young maiden; 
all turned out to witness and share in the univer¬ 
sal rejoicing at the election, to the presidential 
chair, of George "Washington Brown — ^^the ;peo- 
jjle’s friendP The scene was grand, impressive, 
exhilarating, in the extreme. The houses were all 
illmnined with Chinese lanterns, and hung with 
many-hued banners. The figure of Justice upon 
the court-house, and that of Washington in the 
public square, were both crowned with laurel. 
The church bells rang merry chimes; the roar of 
cannon was deafening; the troops marched, the 
bands played, and the people shouted; the sky was 
bright with rockets, and the earth, with many-col¬ 
ored fires; the senses were fahdy bewildered with 
glare and smoke, and a confusion of discordant 
sounds wholly indescribaole. In fact, a stranger, 
dropping suddenly into the midst, might have 
imagined that all Pcmdemonium had broken 
loose, and was celebrating a “ Centennial Fourth 


THE RESULT. 


61 


of July r Even thus, does our national patriotism 
ever find vent. 

The passage of our hero to Washington, was a 
series of ovations. He traveled by special train, 
and wherever he stopped, crowds thronged the 
platforms to obtain a sight of “ the people^s cham¬ 
pion f the people^ s f riend f “ the f riend of the 
workingman; ” for by these titles he ever toned 
to he known; and surely, he was but known to be 
loved. The mayor, who had the honor of address¬ 
ing him, and shaking hands with him, was an 
object of veneration to all his fellow-townsmen for 
long after, and snuhhed them all accordingly; 
while the urchin who captured a cigar stub he 
threw out of the window, received five dollars 
from a dealer in curiosities for this “ treasure 
travel 

At his destination, he was received by an im¬ 
mense concourse of citizens, and was escorted to 
the capitol by a guard of honor, with arms glitter¬ 
ing, banners flying, and bands playing alternately, 
‘‘Hail to the "chief,” and “Yankee Doodle.” 
Truly he entered upon his presidential duties 
under brilliant auspices. 


CHAPTEK XIII. 

The Division of Spoils, and a Disagreement. 


“ Thou hast it now, King, Cawdor, Glamis, all^' 
“ As the weird women promised ; and I fear 
Thou play’dst most foully for’t.” 

“ With this there grows, 

“ In my most ill-compos’d affection, such 
“ A stanchless avarice, that, were I king, 

“ I should cut off the nobles for their lands ; 

“ Desire his jewels, and this other’s house ; 

“ And my more-having would be as a source 
“ To make me hunger more.” 



E have thus followed our hero 
through all the changes and chan¬ 
ces of an eventful life — from his attic 
home in Baxter street, New York, to 
the White House at Washington. 
We have seen him patiently and laboriously 
mounting the political ladder from rung to rung, 
until now he stands upon the very apex^ and looks 
down, mayhap with something akin. to disdain, 
upon the scenes of his early struggles. Would 
that our history could end here, and that we could 
leave him, calm and happy, resting upon the sum¬ 
mit of his ambition. But it may not be. As 
faithful historians, we must continue our tale, 
even at the risk of ruining our hero. 


THE DIVISION OF SPOILS, AND A DISAGREEMENT. 63 

We have before intimated that oiir patriot was 
not without enemies. Who has them not? So 
long as a man remains in obscurity, he may he 
comparatively safe; but let him aspire to a posi¬ 
tion above his fellows, and the tongues of the 
envious will at once assail him. So it was with 
our hero. He had gained the prize for which he 
had struggled all through life, and the hour of his 
success marked the beginning of his downfall, 
notwithstanding the fact that Ms 'party held a 
majority in both houses of the national legislature, 
yet ^Hhe ojppositiorC'^ minority counted among their 
ranks some of the ablest men in the country — old 
political stagers, who were not likely to let any 
chance of turning the tide, escape them. Worse 
still! Several of these very men had been turned 
out of government offices by our friend, upon his 
accession to power, and in consequence cherished 
toward him the most bitter personal feeling; and 
worse than all, there was disaffection in the party 
ranTis. It was ere long noised abroad that an 
effort would be" made to impeach the president. 

The charges brought against him were paltry 
in the extreme, and even if proved, did not war¬ 
rant the course proposed, being all well justified 
by numerous precedents established by several 
noted former chief magistrates. They were sim¬ 
ply the following: 


/ 


64 GEOEGE WASHINGTON BKOWN. 


Charges Against the President'. 

1. Having appointed all his sons, hrothers, uncles, couMns, 

hrothers-in-law, and wife's cousins {in all some five hundred 
persons), to office, in exclusion of other icorthy members of the 
party. ** 

2. Selling political offices to incompetent persons. 

3. Speculating in stocks, and using his position to control 
the market. 

4. Being special partner in a lithographic establishment, 
where counterfeiting treasury notes was extensively carried on. 

5. Being connected with certain schemes to defraud the gov¬ 
ernment of revenue. 

6. Being '■^particeps criminis,” in certain lottery swindles. 

7. Attending church while drunk, and disturbing the con¬ 
gregation ; also, openly gambling in a faro bank, upon the 
Sabbmth. 

8. Habitually attending cock-fights, prize-fights, and Iwrse 
races, and neglecting his official duties in consequence. 

9. Bribery and intimidation of voters at the polls. 

10. Hiring out the army and navy to a foreign power, and 
pocketing the proceeds. 

'Now a careful review of tliese charges, will 
show to what flimsy extremities the enemies of 
our hero were put, in order to make even the 
most sujperflcial case against him. Take, for ex¬ 
ample, the first. Do not our presidents always 
provide for their families, and are they not justi¬ 
fied in so doing? Does not St. Paul say, He 
that f>rovideth not for his own.^ and especially they 
of his own house,, hath denied the faith,, and is 
worse than an infldel f ” And surely a wifds reld- 
tions may also he reckoned in. 


THE DIVISION OF SPOILS, AND A DISAGEEEMENT. 65 

The second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth charges 
are all equally frail; for unless somejprofit attached 
to the office, who would take the trouble to run for 
president ? The same remark will apply equally 
well to the tenth charge, with this addition, that 
as the constitution makes the president, '‘^com¬ 
mander-in-chief of the army and navyf he surely 
has a right to make such disposition of them, as 
he shall see fit, during his term of office. The 
remaining charges were evidently merely “ make¬ 
weight sf the offenses charged showing nothing 
more than a trifling exuberance of animal spirits; 
and it is well-known that recreations of this kind 
have always been constantly indulged in by our 
most noted public men as necessary relaxat/ion 
after their laborious labors, 

9 


CHAPTEE XIV. 
The Downfall. 


“ Farewell, a long farewell, to all my greatness 1 
“ This is the state of man; to-day he puts forth 
“ The tender leaves of hopes, to-morrow blossoms, 

“ And bears his blushing honors thick upon him; 

“ The third day comes a frost — a killing frost; 

“ And, when he thinks, good easy man, full surely 
“ His greatness is a ripening — nips his root,— 

“ And then he falls as I do.” 

f r^ HE party” having, as we have pre- 
' vionsly remarked, a clear majority in 
both houses, the effort to impeach the 
president would' have been wholly futile, 
but for the disaffection prevailing among 
his own political clan, which we have before 
hinted at. What had given rise to this feeling ? 
The question is fully answered by a reference to 
the charges brought against him. “ To the motors 
belong the spoilsT But it is not considered fair 
that one individual should pocket the lion^s share^ 
simply because he has ih.Q first opportunity. Pir¬ 
acy may be^ and doubtless is, under some circum¬ 
stances, a highly respectable and praise-worthy 
occupation, but surely the skipper would be very 
short-sighted, not to say culpable, who should 
appropriate to himself all the best portions of the 


THE DOWNFALL. 


67 


cargo, and expect his men to rest satisfied with 
the refuse. It would not take a prophet to foresee 
that the result of such a course would certainly be 
great dissatisfaction, and very probably mutiny. 
Tfiis was our friend’s great mistake, and for this 
he suffered. Had he not allowed the intoxication 
of opjoorUinity, to overcome him; had he but 
contented himself with a fair share of the public 
plunder, and have equitably divided the remainder, 
no jealousies, nor bickerings, would have been 
aroused; no charges would have been brought; 
he would have retained the proud eminence he 
had won; and have very probably been re-elected 
for a second or even a third term. Loved and 
respected by all, he would have gone down to the 
gi’ave mourned alike by the people whom he had 
swindled, and his associates, with whom he had 
shared the spoils. His bust would have filled a 
niche in the national gallery; and his monument, 
supported by four columns of marhle and eight 
columns of virtues^ would have adorned the public 
park. His memory would have hung like a grate¬ 
ful aroma around the footsteps of his descendants, 
inciting them to like patriotic lives; and his chil- 
.dren would each have received that best of all 
inheritances, — the legacy of a noble name, and a 
snug sum in the f/ve jper cents. 

But why waste time in idle fancies, as to what 
might have been % ” That is all past; and now 
let us hurry forward over this most dismal portion 
of our narrative — this burial-ground of happiness 


68 


GEORGE WASHINGTON BROWN. 


— this “ abomination of desolation ” — this modern 
“ Golgotha ” — this ‘‘ Cnrtian gulf.” 

Alas! that we should be obliged to record the 
fact, yet why should we hesitate ? Have there not 
been martyrs in all countries and in all ages? 
Was not the French patriot Marat assassinated, 
and his companion Robespierre guillotined; and 
was not the emment and honor able Judge Jeffreys 
allowed to perish miserably in the tower of London ? 
There can be committed no enormity so great, but 
history will furnish a parallel. Our hero was im- 
peached. Yes, amazing as it may seem, George 
Washington Brown, “ the people’s candidate,” “ the 
people’s friend,” “ the people’s champion,” “ the 
child of the people,” and “ the father of the people,” 
was impeached for “ high crimes and misdemean¬ 
ors,” alleged to have been committed against the 
people.” What a mockery of terms; to call the 
granting a petty consulship to a wife’s second 
cousin ; or the farming out of the* army and navy, 
(of which he was, by the national constitution, ex¬ 
pressly made “ the commander-in-chief')^'' high 
crimes and misdemeanors; ” truly, it was absurd; 
wholly past comprehension ; almost past belief. 

The day of trial came, and our hero, crushed 
beneath the load of his unmerited misfortunes, was 
required to answer this mockery of an indictment. 
Awaking as it were from the lethargy which had 
seemingly oppressed him, he sprang suddenly to 
his feet, and boldly looking his inquisitors in the 
face, proclaimed the charges “ true in every par- 


THE DOWNFALL. 


69 


ticularP He tlien quoted to them precedent upon 
precedent, extending through many long years, 
where not only presidents, hut members of con¬ 
gress, and government, and State officials, of every 
grade, had done as he had done. He recalled to 
their recollections, numerous instances wherein 
many of his then ^present judges^ had defrauded 
and cheated the people, in a manner at once trans¬ 
parent^ and unslcillful, which he would scorn; and in 
the face of these facts he dared them to do their worst. 

Cowed by the force of the tremendous counter¬ 
charges he iterated against them (but so much the 
more determined upon destroying him), his inquis¬ 
itors remained mute. Seeing no sign of their 
relenting, he determined upon one more effort, 
and, as a last resort, offered a compromise. He 
offered to surrender to them one-half of all he had 
so far made while president, and to divide equally 
for the future. This proposition (made of course 
svh rosa)y was a tempting one, and seemed to 
strike many of the members very favorably; but 
after a brief consultation, the older heads declared 
themselves opposed to it. They said, “ the thing 
might leak out^ and do damage among the people^ 
who are already inclined to suspect all is not 
quite right in political circles. Borne one must le 
sacrificed to keep up appearances / he has been 
unfaithful to his party in the division of spoils, 
let his he the headP The question was put, the vote 
counted, and the office of President of the United 
States of America ’’ was again vacant. 


CHAPTEK XY. 


Special Peeformance Enforced. 

“ Though the mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind ex¬ 
ceeding small; 

“ Though with patience He stands waiting, with exactness 
grinds He all.” 

" But soon a wonder came' to light, 

“ That showed the rogues they lied ; 

“ The man recover’d of the bite, 

“ The dog it was that died.” 

XD Ilow did all this strike “ the 
. free^ independent and enlightened 
\ press^"* of the coiintry? Truly, the 
ruin of our hero, was a godsend to the 
editors, “ his great loss was their eter¬ 
nal gainf and furnished them with editorial mat¬ 
ter for the ensuing three months, and with mate¬ 
rial for party squibs for the next three years. 
The tone of ‘‘ the party ’’ press rose in sublime, 
dignity to the level of the occasion. “ Behold! 
our party hesitates not to strike at corruption, 
whenever or wherever it is met with, even though 
buried deeply within our own vitals. Our party 
shrinks from no duty, no matter what the conse¬ 
quence. Our pledge given to the people, is sacred 
as the vow of heroic Jephthah; our nearest and 
our dearest may prove the victim, but we flinch 


SPECIAL PERFOKMANCE ENFORCED. 


71 


not, swerve not, the axe must fall; aye! let it 
fall^ even though the sacrifice he our own right 
hand^ or our own headP 

Upon the other hand the “ opposition ” papers 
pitched in ” in lively style. They made puns, 
wrote epitaphs, and sang satirical sonnets upon 
poor unfortunate Brown, and the party which had 
elected him. Lampoons and caricatures upon 
Brown and his unfortunate adherents, graced every 
stall, and were sold at every corner. “ The party ” 
was denounced as wholly corriipt^ and Brown the 
fitting and typical representative of the men who 
composed it. In a word, “ the opposition ’’ tried 
with all their might, to make political capital out 
of Brown’s misfortunes, and endeavored to erect 
their own temple over the ruins of ^Hhe party 
‘‘ Olympia.” 

Among the masses. Brown stock was also at a 
sad discount. Brown hats were no longer fashion¬ 
able, brown silks could be obtained for a mere 
song, while all the brown poodles were immedi¬ 
ately re-dyed to" some other color, or else drowned. 
The name of Brown was a by-word, a disgrace, 
and the “ hr own hlaching ” manufacturer became 
bankrupt, and committed suicide. “ Tempora 
mutantury et nos mutamur in illisP Up to-day, 
and down to-morrow; so runs the whirligig of 
time. 

At the very first whisper of the institution of 
these proceedings, our friend had taken the pre¬ 
caution to make over all his property to his wife. 


72 GEOKGE WASHINGTON BKOWN. 

That was safe, and being pretty considerable in 
amount, be felt comparatively independent of pub¬ 
lic opinion. So long as certain matters connected 
with bis early life, were not brought to light, be 
could afford to snap bis fingers at fortune. But 
alas! “ troubles never come singly and hardly 
bad our hero reached home, after bis expulsion 
from the presidential chair, when be was waited 
upon by a detective, who facetiously informed 
. him, that the governor of E’ew York State sent 
bis respects to the late president, and 'desired 
to see him immediately upon important busi¬ 
ness. At the same time be exhibited a requi¬ 
sition from the functionary named, calling for the 
arrest of “ one George Washington Brown, other¬ 
wise known as Bully Brown, an escaped convict 
from Albany Penitentiary, and late ‘ President of 
the United States of America.’ ” The chase was 
up, the quarry run down; the sword of Damocles, 
so long suspended over his head, had fallen. That 
unfinished contract for the manufacture of army 
shoes, which had haunted him all through his polit¬ 
ical career, was about to be enforced; he mentally 
“ threw up the sponge,” submitted to the handcuffs 
with as good grace as he could muster, and was 
led away, followed by a hooting crowd. 

That night he left the capital, a solitary mana¬ 
cled convict, followed by the jibes and jeers of the 
same rabble which only a year before had so loudly 
applauded him upon his triumphal entry, as the 
“ Chief Magistrate of the Nation.” Alas! for 



"SPECIAL PERFORMANCE ENFORCED’Vour ute president.) 










SPECIAL PERFORMANCE ENFORCED. 


73 


the instability of earthly honors! His enemies had 
done their worst. They had discovered the hidden 
joint in his harness, and had penetrated it. Who is 
wholly invincible ? Even Achilles has a vulnerable 
heel, and the strength of Sampson is shorn by the 
scissors of Delilah, 

10 


CHAPTEE XYI. 

Conclusion. 


“ Ill fares the land, to hastening ills a prey, 

“ Where wealth accumulates, and men decay : 

“ Princes and lords may flourish or may fade : 

“ A breath can make them, as a breath has made; 

“ But a bold peasantry, their country’s pride, 

“ When once destroy’d, can never be supplied.” 

“ Age, thou art sham’d! 

“ Rome, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods.” 

UE story is ended; will the memory 
of it last beyond the reading? We 
hojpe it may, but are not sanguine. Our 
people are active, enterprizing, ener¬ 
getic ; but unfortunately have very short 
memories. So forgetful are they in fact, that 
probably few, if any, of the readers of this little 
history will remember either the character here 
portrayed, bis rise, bis progress, bis fame, or bis 
fall. Some may be disposed to scoff at it, as a 
pure creation of a disordered imagination; and yet 
so numerous are bis progeny, that at this very day 
bis children are to be found holding office in every 
State of the Union. 

Unfortunately for the people, these persons do 
not acknowledge their parentage and are in the 
habit of traveling under other names to avoid 


CONCLUSION. 


75 


detection; but they all bear a strong resemblance 
to their progenitor, and, like him, they all profess 
to be earnest lovers of the working man^ and 
earnest workers for his welfare. 

So forgetful are the people, that if at some future 
time “George Washington Brown” shall again 
demand their suffrages, we doubt if they will not 
again return him to office. This, however, is their 
business, not ours. We have fulfilled our duty as 
faithful historians, and having followed our hero 
through many curious scenes, and strange adven¬ 
tures, are pleased to leave him (at least for the 
present), in a place of safety. 

We will now, with the kind permission of our 
audience, ring down the curtain, and put out the 
lights. Truly “ Lazarus is dead,” yet, “ He rests 
in the hope of a glorious resurrection. Look out 
for him. 


IN MEMOEIAM. 


Hio Jacet 

BROWN. 

BESUEQAM.^ 







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